Dear Jesus...

Every word I need to hear you say it

everyday!

Every hope I need to treasure you give it

everyday!

Every sorrow that makes me cry you take it

everyday!

You make my journey easier

everyday!

Respectable men

This morning I was reading Proverbs 31 about the virtuous woman. Today when I read it something caught my eye and challenged me to a new way of thinking. Always before I marveled at this genuinely good woman and made up my mind to imitate her. I read about her husband but I was always so busy pondering her goodness that I never gave him full thought. Today I stopped and thought in depth about what verse 23 says:

***

Her husband is known in the gates,

When he sits among the elders of the land.

***

How could I have missed that? I' have been asking Heavenly Father what exactly constitutes a good man. My heart is unreliable, deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked. I can make myself believe everything good about anything if I want it bad enough. What I imagined to be a "good" man continuously fell short of Heavenly Father's standard. I have been thinking and thinking about this for quite a few weeks and Heavenly Father was kind enough to show me the wisdom that I needed. My conclusion: A good man is respected. He has the respect of people who are leaders. They value his opinions, his way of dressing, his ethics, his treatment of his family, his standards, what he has to say, everything that he is. They respect him because he is respectable. He has high standards. He is kind. He does not think of his wife as a sex object or a trophy. He respects her. He loves her because she is good. He loves his children. He loves people. He has a job that is respectable and worthy of honor. He works everyday and works hard. He does not expect a woman to carry him. He takes full responsibility for his family. He respects his wife's feelings. He comes home and acknowledges the existence of his children . When he talks to his children and plays with them he is gentle with them and genuinely enjoys interacting with them. He is respectable! I have to face it my standards have been low. I have allowed myself to think highly of men who do not possess even half of these standards. I have smoothed things over in my mind. Fantasized, made myself believe that somehow time will make everything alright. Telling myself "this guy is not so bad he will change if I'm good", as if "good" is contagious and can be caught like an illness. What am I thinking? Heavenly Father's standards are high. They are not caught, happened upon , learned at the last minute. They are lived and most definitely lived more then, "three long weeks". What have I been thinking? This is a matter of happiness or endless disappointment. How could I have missed it seeing that I have read Proverbs 31 so many times? I have come to believe that it has been due to the condition of my heart. I have been deceiving myself and not believing that there could possibly be anyone left who is absolutely respectable. I've been wanting to settle because I have wanted a man right now instead of wanting to wait for Heavenly Father's timing and respectable man. Respectable, that is the standard! Respectable! And in case you are anything like me and need a detailed, exhaustive description of what respectable means here it is straight from Merriam-Webster:

** Respectable
1: worthy of respect : estimable
2: decent or correct in character or behavior : proper

** Respect
1: a relation or reference to a particular thing or situation respect to an earlier plan>
2: an act of giving particular attention : consideration
3 a: high or special regard : esteem b: the quality or state of being esteemed

** Estimable
1: capable of being estimated estimable amount>
2archaic : valuable
3: worthy of esteem

**Proper
1 a: referring to one individual only b: belonging to one : own c: appointed for the liturgy of a particular day d: represented heraldically in natural color
2: belonging characteristically to a species or individual : peculiar
3chiefly dialect : good-looking, handsome
4: very good : excellent
5chiefly British : utter, absolute
6: strictly limited to a specified thing, place, or idea proper>
7 a: strictly accurate : correct barchaic : virtuous, respectable c: strictly decorous : genteel
8: marked by suitability, rightness, or appropriateness : fit

***

**My prayer

Thank you Jesus for leading me down the right path. Thank you for saving me from making the biggest mistake of my life. Help me to wait on the man who is worthy of your respect first of all and then mine and others. Help me to think about truth and purity and respectability instead of fantasizing about castles and knights and white horses. Help me Jesus and save me from myself. Thanks.

Sticking by...

Jesus sticks by. He sticks by through all the darkness and crying and ugliness. He sticks when everyone else runs. He never gets tired of hearing my stories over and over and over again. He never gets tired of the endless questions about the same situation. He never gets tired of me trying to make sense of the messes I have made. We work it out together. He shows me the truth about where I took the wrong step. He does it gently without condemning me. Case at hand, I am reading a book that explains how wonderfully we are made. In my reading of that book I am learning about myself and the choices I have made. I am choosing to make better choices because I see now what my problem is. Truth always frees me. Jesus is the one who encouraged me to read that book. This morning I am feeling free because I have put that heavy baggage down and left it. I can't carry all that stuff anymore. Expectations and "the way things are always done", left behind! Today I am thinking about how wonderful my best friend is. This issue over "do I need this guy or not because he expects me to....", is not causing me anxiety anymore because Jesus showed me the truth about it. He also showed me exactly what to do about it. This morning I woke up thinking about how Jesus is not selfish, he doesn't have a hidden agenda or a twisted reason. This morning I have peace. I couldn't ask for a better best friend.

silly things...

Sometimes I do such silly things. Jesus is still here listening to me giving me good advice and still wanting me to do what he has planned for my life. It's a great plan it brings all sorts of peace of mind and happiness so I'm going along with it but sometimes I will admit I get a little side tracked. I get my mind on silliness and I get stuck and today I was telling Jesus how I need him to help me keep my mind on what's at hand. The things worth thinking about. I am like a goofy child remembering all the places where I jumped in the mud puddles. Thinking about other puddle jumpers, silliness! So today Jesus is going to help me keep my mind on what I need to be doing to get where he has planned for me to go. He's a "mind saver," I am thankful for him!

We are greatly loved!

Have you ever really thought about how greatly loved we are? Think about it. The Great Creator of all things sent the only son He had to this dark earth to save us. Who are we? Dusty little disrespectful children who think we know the best way to go. Who is He? A Father who greatly loves us. When I think about it I tremble and the tears come because it's an overwhelming thought to be loved so much. Thank you Heavenly Father, thank you Jesus. Help me to love.

Why?

I never ceased to be amazed by religious people. People who follow a set of rigid rules made by man to earn their spot in the heaven they have imagined and yet they have a hard time doing what Jesus asks. They seem to miss that part altogether. They can tell you about all the laws and traditions set up by the people at the church that they go to. They can even show you how they keep all those laws and traditions. Jesus sums up all the foolishness in one simple verse.

" If you [really] love Me, you will keep (obey) My commands."John 14:15

Why is that so hard? All week I have been subjected to the torture of people of traditions and man made rules trying to convince me that their way to heaven is the only way. I am desperately done with all of it. My heart aches because no-one wants to talk about Jesus. Why is that?

Thank you my precious Jesus!

Thank you Jesus for leaving there and coming here to save us from this ugly dark place that we live in. Thank you for walking down here in the dirt with us and showing us that light can shine in darkness. Thank you for giving us hope and being gracious and loving us no matter what. Thank you for doing it with joy! I love you so much-- so very much! Thank you!

..more than all I ask or imagine!

Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work in us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever. Ephesians 3:20 "More than all I ask or imagine", I like that part. I like that part because I have a great imagination. I can imagine all kinds of good things. Today I went for a walk with the children and I thanked Jesus all the way there and back. I thanked him and Heavenly Father for being so gracious to me and listening to me and answering me and for giving me such a wonderful life. When I got home and put those peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and chips on the table for those hungry children, I sat down. I sat down and I imagined a room full of gentlemen sitting around a large conference table haggling over how much they were going to pay me for my work. And I imagined Jesus and Father encouraging them, whispering, "pay her a good wage," "offer her a good contract." You see it is grand to imagine and then I read in Ephesians that Jesus can do more then I can ask or imagine. Well in that case imagine what I just imagined and then imagine even better then that till you can't imagine anymore, and that won't even be the beginning of what Father and Jesus can do. Whew!!! We are blessed beyond measure to have such goodness on our side! I have asked I have imagined and now I am waiting. I am going to get a happy surprise! Watch and see!

Saying good things to Jesus...

Today when I'm walking with the children I am going to say good things to Heavenly Father and Jesus. I am going to thank them for helping me all the time in every way. I have been having doubts and thinking about the most stupid scenarios of foolishness one could ever imagine. I woke up this morning feeling defeated already because I want perfection in my life. I don't want to keep doing stupid things. I beat myself up so bad that I can barely go on. Sometimes I think I am so bad that I don't even want to go on. Today once again I pleaded for deliverance. I pleaded for Jesus to set me free from this prison of sin and doubt. I pleaded for the chains to be broken. I pleaded like Paul and Silas did while they were praising the Lord in prison. It is time for me to stop doubting! It is time for me to praise! Time for me to say good things to Heavenly Father and Jesus! Time for me to sing and praise and hope and believe that this prison is going to be a thing of the past! The doors are going to open! These chains that are holding me are going to break off! The Lord is going to lead me out of this mess. Watch and see!

.

"Around midnight Paul and Silas were praying and singing hymns to God, and the other prisoners were listening. Suddenly, there was a massive earthquake, and the prison was shaken to its foundations. All the doors immediately flew open, and the chains of every prisoner fell off!" Acts 16:25,26 (New Living Translation)

Confessions of a worrying woman....

Today I wasted a lot of time worrying. Worrying and beating myself up about decisions I have made in the past. Worrying and fretting and anxiously trying to reason out situations in my mind as if I can fix any of them. I worked myself into an emotional state complete with tears and extreme grief of spirit. I told myself that I had a right to grieve over my situation. Poor Jesus he had to witness me in that state of complete distrust and forgetfulness. I acted as though Heavenly Father had left and Jesus was no longer listening. I feel foolish writing this. I will tell you something about Jesus. He does not condemn me when I act like this , he lovingly waits for me to calm down so that I can hear what he has to say to my heart. That is what happened today. I did not get an answer till close to this afternoon because I was worrying out loud and I couldn't hear him. The answer came so softly. On top of that I received an email from a true friend who told me to stop thinking useless thoughts and go on in the grace of Jesus. I can't believe I am sharing this with the world but here it is. Tonight I received a devotional from Internet cafe and what do you think the scripture was?

Philippians 4:6-9

-7Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.
8-9Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies.
The Message (MSG)
Copyright © 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 2000, 2001, 2002 by Eugene H. Peterson

Jesus comforted me on every side. He said encouraging things to my heart. He sent me messages of peace through my precious friend and through the Internet cafe. He did not forget me. He patiently listened even when I was tempted to believe he was not listening. He listened and he answered me despite my doubting. In all my anxiousness Jesus never condemns me. We are best friends forever I'm sure you can see why! My prayer: Jesus please help me think about good things, wonderful things, things that make me happy. Help me to think only good when I think of people. Jesus take this silly worry and give me peace of mind. Help me to believe that I can trust you with my life and everything in it, even the messes. Thank you Jesus. **C

My Passion

I am believing Jesus for the near impossible in the eyes of some. Because I believe he is Jehovah-jireh I don't think anything is too hard for him. He is my provider. So much for that doubting stuff. I am going to post some adoption tickers for the 4 children that I want to adopt. Four you say?, yes 4! I am believing Jesus for 4 children because I can! I am the nanny to 4 children and I enjoy every minute of it, why not be the mother to 4 more? I have 3 biological children all grown up and one son adopted from Romania, he's grown up also. I am starting over because I am young, full of energy, and because Jesus told me I can. In his time I am going to get Jamie Elizabeth from an orphanage in Siberia and two 5 year old girls Hannah and Sarah from the St Petersburg area and one Indian Prince named Joshua Naresh. He is 5 years old also. I have made tickers to celebrate their homecoming and show that I believe!







These are the things Jesus and I need to do in the next few months. #1 secure a good contract. #2 make arrangements for a homestudy and sign contracts with adoption agencies and pay the money. #3 go look at that fine house that is for sale behind this one and make an offer. #4 fill out the immigration paper work. #5 see the tax man. #6 visit the docter. #6 buy house, furnish it finish homestudy. #7 put dossier together get apostilles and other legal stamps and signatures. #8 pay more money. #9 pay more money. #10 reserve airline tickets, plan for trip, and pay more money, bring children home. YaY!!!

All consuming vision...

That treasured thing I gave up back in February, well I took it back for awhile. That treasured thing that I wanted so bad that I gave up to give all my time to this new assignment Jesus gave me to complete. That treasure started interfering again because I kept thinking about it. I kept thinking about him. Men can throw us women off completely at times. I gave the whole relationship to Jesus and I tried real hard to forget about him and go on. Everyday I kept thinking and I kept asking Jesus to help me keep my mind on other things. Jesus helped me by reminding me of the street children and orphans I had vision for in the past. He reminded me that I didn't think about them anymore. He asked me why I didn't believe anymore for the vision that he gave me. The vision where I take care of street children and adopt children from orphanages. The vision where I go and take or send supplies and money and things that the children need to the safe houses in India or the orphanages in Russia. The vision that before took up all my thoughts and energy, that vision. The vision that I put on hold and forgot about when I met that man and started dreaming about him instead. I believe he is a good man but he is not what I need right now. Friendship is what I want but somehow our hearts got twined around each other real tight and I don't exactly know what else to do but let this whole relationship go and devote myself to what Jesus has called me to do at this time. I laid my Issac on the alter so to speak. I almost know how Abraham felt. To give Yahweh the only son ,the child he loved and counted dear. To lay Issac his only child on the alter and offer him to Yahweh. Abraham did it he laid him down and gave him up and right at the final moment Yahweh stopped him and let him keep Issac. This man I love he is the only man I have ever loved. I do not want to love any other man. I have not let myself love any other man. I have laid my only love on the alter. The only man I ever felt like I would marry without a second thought, that man. I gave him up to Yahweh with this prayer, "Yahweh I give you this man. I want to do the thing you have called me to do. Because of this assignment I have accepted from you if I don't get to love him and marry him please send him a good wife that loves Jesus that will love him and his children also. Take good care of him, give him grace because I love his soul and his children and I want them all to be saved and live with you one day." The hardest prayer I have ever prayed! The ultimate prayer of letting go. The prayer where I asked Yahweh to give my treasure to another if that's what it takes to fulfill the vision Jehovah breathed into my life. There is pain my soul, I am missing him. I am hoping beyond all hope that there is a ram in the thicket and that I will get my beloved back. I am hoping like Abraham that Jehovah-jireh will provide a lamb. I have peace even with this pain. I have peace and freedom to dream and believe the vision. When that first child comes home from the orphanage, when another safe house is opened, when those supplies are safely inside the walls of the places where they need to be I will have more joy then I will know what to do with. I will celebrate , write about it, and tell everyone that Jesus is faithful and that the things He asks us to do are the things that lead to true happiness!

Jesus why?

Why do I keep searching?
when you are here with me
some days I search
it's a habit I think
because if I remember
how good you are to me
searching is stupid
what exactly am I looking for?
Jesus why do you keep waiting for me?
when I run off searching
you see me being habitually stupid
but you never call me that
you just wait
and call me precious one...
why?

Waiting...

i am waiting but i am not good at it
i will get better!
i've been reasoning things out
i can't see to the end of the road
Jesus can
i can't even see the next step at times
Jesus always can
sometimes i'm too scared to look down the road
Jesus is never afraid!
so what is my problem with waiting
as if what i want is going to be good for me
if I could see like Jesus sees
i would wait.....

Jesus help me wait....

I am here
waiting anxiously for something I think I want
something I think I need
and Jesus is telling me not to be anxious for anything
he's telling me to wait
wait on him
to work things out
to put things together
to work all things for my good
because I have been called
to do the things he has planned for me

Jesus help me to wait
take this anxiousness away
give me peace about everything

Jesus, please can I have it?
if it's best for me please?
okay I will wait.....:)

Sin and my best friend...

sometimes i wonder why you put up with me

I have this besetting sin

that keeps besetting me

and you keep loving me

and encouraging me

to do better next time

I cant figure out for the life of me

why you don't kick me to the curb

and give up on me

like everybody else

this thing shames me

makes me afraid to talk to you again

makes me want to die

because I enjoy it too much

so why do you keep on loving me?

why are you still my best friend?

i wish you would just hate me

i wish you would just leave me

to die

so I could pay for this sin

i know you can't

because you tell me all the time

you absolutely love me

I will never figure it out

this love you have for me

I will never figure out

why

you still want to be

my best friend

To my best friend Jesus

Jesus I want to thank you for helping me today and always. Thank you for holding me together. Thank you for giving me hope against all hopelessness. I am so happy so very happy. You have blessed me beyond measure and I see another blessing coming a very big one and my heart is overwhelmed with your goodness. This year you saved my life when I was actually dying. You taught me to open my hands and give you things that were harmful to me. You replaced my broken treasures with rare jewels, people who love you with all their heart and soul. People who give me so much joy that I can't imagine life without them. Thank you! My heart sings every morning. You have given me a job that I absolutely love. I am so happy about my job, thank you! When I think about how you forgive me for all the stupid things I do; and never condemn me for any of them, I am in awe of you. You absolutely love me and I know it all the time, thank you! How you could leave that wonderful place called heaven and come down here and dwell among us in this darkness to save our dusty bodies I will never be able to understand. You are my hope. Thank you for holding me together. You give me joy. You love me no matter what. You gave up your life so that you could save mine. I am in awe of you. Thank you my precious Jesus, thank you!

This was written by King David. Another best friend of Jesus.

Psalm 19

God's Works and Word
For the director of music. A psalm of David

1 The heavens declare the glory of God, and the skies announce what his hands have made.
2 Day after day they tell the story; night after night they tell it again.

3 They have no speech or words; they have no voice to be heard.

4 But their message goes out through all the world; their words go everywhere on earth. The sky is like a home for the sun. 

5 The sun comes out like a bridegroom from his bedroom. It rejoices like an athlete eager to run a race.

6 The sun rises at one end of the sky and follows its path to the other end. Nothing hides from its heat.

7 The teachings of the Lord are perfect; they give new strength. The rules of the Lord can be trusted; they make plain people wise.

8 The orders of the Lord are right; they make people happy. The commands of the Lord are pure; they light up the way.

9 Respect for the Lord is good; it will last forever. The judgments of the Lord are true; they are completely right.

10 They are worth more than gold, even the purest gold. They are sweeter than honey, even the finest honey

11 By them your servant is warned. Keeping them brings great reward.

12 People cannot see their own mistakes. Forgive me for my secret sins.

13 Keep me from the sins of pride; don't let them rule me. Then I can be pure and innocent of the greatest of sins.

14 I hope my words and thoughts please you. Lord, you are my Rock, the one who saves me.

Why Jesus is my best friend.

I've been in the dirt before

thrown down on my face

breathing dust

I can hear them laughing

"she's done it again"

I'm afraid to look up

I hear him,

he's talking softly,

he's writing,

he's breathing dust,

and writing something,

in the dirt

something that makes them

think twice

and slink away

and leave me

at the feet of the only one who can save me

Jesus

Something good is going to happen to me......

Psalm 98

Sing a new song to the LORD! He has worked miracles, and with his own powerful arm, he has won the victory.

The LORD has shown the nations, that he has the power to save bringing justice.

God has been faithful in his love for Israel, and his saving power is seen everywhere on earth.

Tell everyone on this earth to sing happy songs in praise of the LORD.

Make music for him on harps. Play beautiful melodies!

Sound the trumpets and horns and celebrate with joyful songs for our LORD and King!

Command the ocean to roar with all of its creatures, and the earth to shout
with all of its people.

Order the rivers to clap their hands, and all of the hills to sing together.

Let them worship the LORD! He is coming to judge everyone on the earth,and he will be honest and fair.

God has been faithful in his love for Israel, and his saving power is seen everywhere on earth.

Tell everyone on this earth to sing happy songs in praise of the LORD.

Make music for him on harps. Play beautiful melodies!

Sound the trumpets and horns and celebrate with joyful songs for our LORD and King!

Command the ocean to roar with all of its creatures, and the earth to shout with all of its people.

Order the rivers to clap their hands, and all of the hills to sing together.

Let them worship the LORD! He is coming to judge everyone on the earth, and he will be honest and fair.

Contemporary English Version (CEV)
Copyright © 1995 by American Bible Society

I read this wonderful Psalm this morning after my fearful, begging for mercy episode. I like the 1st verse especially well: "Sing a new song to the LORD! He has worked miracles, and with his own powerful arm, he has won the victory".I am rejoicing in this because my El Shaddai has worked miracles and won the victory for me! I am so happy so very happy and so I've started to sing like the the blind man...

"Something good is going to happen to me,

happen to me

this very day,

something good is going to happen to me,

Jesus of Nazareth is passing this way!"

You and I we don't have to be afraid anymore because something good is going to happen to us this very day, Jesus of Nazareth is passing our way!