Dear Jesus...

Every word I need to hear you say it

everyday!

Every hope I need to treasure you give it

everyday!

Every sorrow that makes me cry you take it

everyday!

You make my journey easier

everyday!

Respectable men

This morning I was reading Proverbs 31 about the virtuous woman. Today when I read it something caught my eye and challenged me to a new way of thinking. Always before I marveled at this genuinely good woman and made up my mind to imitate her. I read about her husband but I was always so busy pondering her goodness that I never gave him full thought. Today I stopped and thought in depth about what verse 23 says:

***

Her husband is known in the gates,

When he sits among the elders of the land.

***

How could I have missed that? I' have been asking Heavenly Father what exactly constitutes a good man. My heart is unreliable, deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked. I can make myself believe everything good about anything if I want it bad enough. What I imagined to be a "good" man continuously fell short of Heavenly Father's standard. I have been thinking and thinking about this for quite a few weeks and Heavenly Father was kind enough to show me the wisdom that I needed. My conclusion: A good man is respected. He has the respect of people who are leaders. They value his opinions, his way of dressing, his ethics, his treatment of his family, his standards, what he has to say, everything that he is. They respect him because he is respectable. He has high standards. He is kind. He does not think of his wife as a sex object or a trophy. He respects her. He loves her because she is good. He loves his children. He loves people. He has a job that is respectable and worthy of honor. He works everyday and works hard. He does not expect a woman to carry him. He takes full responsibility for his family. He respects his wife's feelings. He comes home and acknowledges the existence of his children . When he talks to his children and plays with them he is gentle with them and genuinely enjoys interacting with them. He is respectable! I have to face it my standards have been low. I have allowed myself to think highly of men who do not possess even half of these standards. I have smoothed things over in my mind. Fantasized, made myself believe that somehow time will make everything alright. Telling myself "this guy is not so bad he will change if I'm good", as if "good" is contagious and can be caught like an illness. What am I thinking? Heavenly Father's standards are high. They are not caught, happened upon , learned at the last minute. They are lived and most definitely lived more then, "three long weeks". What have I been thinking? This is a matter of happiness or endless disappointment. How could I have missed it seeing that I have read Proverbs 31 so many times? I have come to believe that it has been due to the condition of my heart. I have been deceiving myself and not believing that there could possibly be anyone left who is absolutely respectable. I've been wanting to settle because I have wanted a man right now instead of wanting to wait for Heavenly Father's timing and respectable man. Respectable, that is the standard! Respectable! And in case you are anything like me and need a detailed, exhaustive description of what respectable means here it is straight from Merriam-Webster:

** Respectable
1: worthy of respect : estimable
2: decent or correct in character or behavior : proper

** Respect
1: a relation or reference to a particular thing or situation respect to an earlier plan>
2: an act of giving particular attention : consideration
3 a: high or special regard : esteem b: the quality or state of being esteemed

** Estimable
1: capable of being estimated estimable amount>
2archaic : valuable
3: worthy of esteem

**Proper
1 a: referring to one individual only b: belonging to one : own c: appointed for the liturgy of a particular day d: represented heraldically in natural color
2: belonging characteristically to a species or individual : peculiar
3chiefly dialect : good-looking, handsome
4: very good : excellent
5chiefly British : utter, absolute
6: strictly limited to a specified thing, place, or idea proper>
7 a: strictly accurate : correct barchaic : virtuous, respectable c: strictly decorous : genteel
8: marked by suitability, rightness, or appropriateness : fit

***

**My prayer

Thank you Jesus for leading me down the right path. Thank you for saving me from making the biggest mistake of my life. Help me to wait on the man who is worthy of your respect first of all and then mine and others. Help me to think about truth and purity and respectability instead of fantasizing about castles and knights and white horses. Help me Jesus and save me from myself. Thanks.

Sticking by...

Jesus sticks by. He sticks by through all the darkness and crying and ugliness. He sticks when everyone else runs. He never gets tired of hearing my stories over and over and over again. He never gets tired of the endless questions about the same situation. He never gets tired of me trying to make sense of the messes I have made. We work it out together. He shows me the truth about where I took the wrong step. He does it gently without condemning me. Case at hand, I am reading a book that explains how wonderfully we are made. In my reading of that book I am learning about myself and the choices I have made. I am choosing to make better choices because I see now what my problem is. Truth always frees me. Jesus is the one who encouraged me to read that book. This morning I am feeling free because I have put that heavy baggage down and left it. I can't carry all that stuff anymore. Expectations and "the way things are always done", left behind! Today I am thinking about how wonderful my best friend is. This issue over "do I need this guy or not because he expects me to....", is not causing me anxiety anymore because Jesus showed me the truth about it. He also showed me exactly what to do about it. This morning I woke up thinking about how Jesus is not selfish, he doesn't have a hidden agenda or a twisted reason. This morning I have peace. I couldn't ask for a better best friend.

We are greatly loved!

Have you ever really thought about how greatly loved we are? Think about it. The Great Creator of all things sent the only son He had to this dark earth to save us. Who are we? Dusty little disrespectful children who think we know the best way to go. Who is He? A Father who greatly loves us. When I think about it I tremble and the tears come because it's an overwhelming thought to be loved so much. Thank you Heavenly Father, thank you Jesus. Help me to love.

I'm tired of the things that distract me...

Today something happened to me-- something good. I am sick and tired of the things that have been distracting me. The castle building in my mind, the foolish things I want, questioning the faithfulness of Jesus, making myself look good in my mind-- I'm sick of it. Jesus and I had a talk and he encouraged my heart with Isaiah 17. At first I was scared to read it. It is a warning, a big warning for me to take to heart. It is easy to get distracted. I hear the lies that the enemy breathes out of his mouth about my precious Jesus. Lies, sugar coated lies, I am sick of them. Distractions, anything and everything to separate me from the one who loves me most. I am sick of the distractions and myself. Jesus help me!

***

Isaiah 17:7-11

7-8Yes, the Day is coming when people will notice The One Who Made Them, take a long hard look at The Holy of Israel. They'll lose interest in all the stuff they've made—altars and monuments and rituals, their homemade, handmade religion—however impressive it is.
9And yes, the Day is coming when their fortress cities will be abandoned —the very same cities that the Hivites and Amorites abandoned when Israel invaded! And the country will be empty, desolate.
You Have Forgotten God 10-11And why? Because you have forgotten God-Your-Salvation, not remembered your Rock-of-Refuge.And so, even though you are very religious, planting all sorts of bushes and herbs and trees to honor and influence your fertility gods,And even though you make them grow so well, bursting with buds and sprouts and blossoms,Nothing will come of them. Instead of a harvest you'll get nothing but grief and pain, pain, pain.

I feel like singing like Mary!

Mary's Song of Praise: The Magnificat

And Mary said, “My soul magnifies the Lord,

and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior,

for he has looked on the humble estate of his servant. For behold, from now on all generations will call me blessed;

for he who is mighty has done great things for me, and holy is his name.

And his mercy is for those who fear him from generation to generation.

He has shown strength with his arm; he has scattered the proud in the thoughts of their hearts;

he has brought down the mighty from their thrones and exalted those of humble estate;

he has filled the hungry with good things, and the rich he has sent away empty.

He has helped his servant Israel, in remembrance of his mercy,

as he spoke to our fathers, to Abraham and to his offspring forever.”

from: Luke 1

Overwhelmed!

Today I cried and cried with thankfulness and gratefulness to the Lord. I stood by the sliding glass door that looks out into the yard and I was overwhelmed with the goodness of Jesus and I broke into tears and cried. Last night I went to a church I have never been to before and three precious women laid hands on me and prayed for me and something happened to me. Something good--something very good! A huge weight dropped off of me. The thing that was hindering me for a long time is gone. I am overwhelmed. My heart is so full of gratefulness. I have been thinking all day about how wonderful Jesus is. How much adventure he has called me to. Choosing him as my best friend is the best decision I ever made. I am not tied down. I am free. Free to do what Heavenly Father has called me to do. Free to live. Free to breathe. Free to be who I am because of him. Unordinary! I am overwhelmed by the goodness of Jesus!

Saying good things to Jesus...

Today when I'm walking with the children I am going to say good things to Heavenly Father and Jesus. I am going to thank them for helping me all the time in every way. I have been having doubts and thinking about the most stupid scenarios of foolishness one could ever imagine. I woke up this morning feeling defeated already because I want perfection in my life. I don't want to keep doing stupid things. I beat myself up so bad that I can barely go on. Sometimes I think I am so bad that I don't even want to go on. Today once again I pleaded for deliverance. I pleaded for Jesus to set me free from this prison of sin and doubt. I pleaded for the chains to be broken. I pleaded like Paul and Silas did while they were praising the Lord in prison. It is time for me to stop doubting! It is time for me to praise! Time for me to say good things to Heavenly Father and Jesus! Time for me to sing and praise and hope and believe that this prison is going to be a thing of the past! The doors are going to open! These chains that are holding me are going to break off! The Lord is going to lead me out of this mess. Watch and see!

.

"Around midnight Paul and Silas were praying and singing hymns to God, and the other prisoners were listening. Suddenly, there was a massive earthquake, and the prison was shaken to its foundations. All the doors immediately flew open, and the chains of every prisoner fell off!" Acts 16:25,26 (New Living Translation)

Jesus why?

Why do I keep searching?
when you are here with me
some days I search
it's a habit I think
because if I remember
how good you are to me
searching is stupid
what exactly am I looking for?
Jesus why do you keep waiting for me?
when I run off searching
you see me being habitually stupid
but you never call me that
you just wait
and call me precious one...
why?

Waiting...

i am waiting but i am not good at it
i will get better!
i've been reasoning things out
i can't see to the end of the road
Jesus can
i can't even see the next step at times
Jesus always can
sometimes i'm too scared to look down the road
Jesus is never afraid!
so what is my problem with waiting
as if what i want is going to be good for me
if I could see like Jesus sees
i would wait.....

Jesus help me wait....

I am here
waiting anxiously for something I think I want
something I think I need
and Jesus is telling me not to be anxious for anything
he's telling me to wait
wait on him
to work things out
to put things together
to work all things for my good
because I have been called
to do the things he has planned for me

Jesus help me to wait
take this anxiousness away
give me peace about everything

Jesus, please can I have it?
if it's best for me please?
okay I will wait.....:)

Sin and my best friend...

sometimes i wonder why you put up with me

I have this besetting sin

that keeps besetting me

and you keep loving me

and encouraging me

to do better next time

I cant figure out for the life of me

why you don't kick me to the curb

and give up on me

like everybody else

this thing shames me

makes me afraid to talk to you again

makes me want to die

because I enjoy it too much

so why do you keep on loving me?

why are you still my best friend?

i wish you would just hate me

i wish you would just leave me

to die

so I could pay for this sin

i know you can't

because you tell me all the time

you absolutely love me

I will never figure it out

this love you have for me

I will never figure out

why

you still want to be

my best friend

I gave my most treasured thing to Jesus finally!

Today is my birthday. This is the birthday I have waited a very long time for. When I was a little girl I looked forward to this birthday. Way back then I purposed in my heart that this would be the birthday that began the rest of my life. This would be the birthday where something great happened and I would finally be where I was supposed to be. I think my best friend had something to do with that purpose in my heart so long ago. Here I am. I have finally figured things out. I am where I'm supposed to be! This past week has been one of turmoil. I had to make some big decisions. I cried and discussed and pleaded and held on and Jesus kept holding out his hand so I could give him my most treasured thing. I held on as long as I could but I eventually surrendered it. I had always wondered if it came down to it would I choose Jesus first over everything I really, really wanted. Now I know that the answer is yes! I'm happy today because the pressure of holding on is gone and I am in for a nice adventure. Here I am with my best friend doing things in his time and I can say that I am truly at peace! I never dreamed that I could be so at peace about the whole thing. Now I know the meaning of: "Pursue first, the kingdom of heaven and the right things of Jesus and all these other things will be added to you." Right now I have decided to hang out with my best friend and help him first. The other thing I want to do is a good thing but it will have to wait. It's Jesus and me! I'm happy!

While I am alive I will bless You!

O Elohiym you are Almighty early in the morning I will look for You because my soul is thirsty and I really need You and this place where I live is dry and thirsty, it has no answers or water for my soul; I will look for You to see Your power and Your glory as I have seen You in the special place on the mountain where I talk to you.

I will shout out loud about You because You are so loving and kind to me that your kindness is better than life.

While I am alive I will bow down before You, I will lift up my hands in honor of Your name.

My soul is satisfied with You as someone who has eaten the very best gourmet meal, and with great joy I will sing about You!

When I lay my head down upon my bed to sleep; I think about You, throughout the night I think about how You have blessed me.

Because You have helped me so much I will shout for joy in Your protective care.

Emotionally my soul continually needs You , I hold on to Your right hand, You hold me up.

But those who are looking for me to destroy me emotionally, they will go to their grave.

They will be killed, they will be scavenged by foxes.

But I will celebrate Elohiym, every one that believes Elohiym will celebrate;
but the mouth of those who spread lies will be stopped.


Personal translation of Psalm 63. David wrote this Psalm when he was in the wilderness of Judah.

Wisdom

New Century Version (NCV)
The Holy Bible, New Century Version®. Copyright © 2005 by Thomas Nelson, Inc.

Proverbs 8

Listen to Wisdom. Wisdom calls to you like someone shouting; understanding raises her voice. On the hilltops along the road and at the crossroads, she stands calling. Beside the city gates, at the entrances into the city, she calls out: "Listen, everyone, I'm calling out to you; I am shouting to all people. You who are uneducated, seek wisdom. You who are foolish, get understanding. Listen, because I have important things to say, and what I tell you is right. What I say is true, I refuse to speak evil. Everything I say is honest; nothing I say is crooked or false. People with good sense know what I say is true; and those with knowledge know my words are right. Choose my teachings instead of silver, and knowledge rather than the finest gold. Wisdom is more precious than rubies. Nothing you could want is equal to it. "I am wisdom, and I have good judgment. I also have knowledge and good sense. If you respect the Lord, you will also hate evil. I hate pride and bragging, evil ways and lies. I have good sense and advice, and I have understanding and power. I help kings to govern and rulers to make fair laws. Princes use me to lead, and so do all important people who judge fairly. I love those who love me, and those who seek me find me. Riches and honor are mine to give. So are wealth and lasting success. What I give is better than the finest gold, better than the purest silver. I do what is right and follow the path of justice. I give wealth to those who love me, filling their houses with treasures. "I, wisdom, was with the Lord when he began his work, long before he made anything else. I was created in the very beginning, even before the world began. I was born before there were oceans, or springs overflowing with water, before the hills were there, before the mountains were put in place. God had not made the earth or fields, not even the first dust of the earth. I was there when God put the skies in place, when he stretched the horizon over the oceans, when he made the clouds above and put the deep underground springs in place. I was there when he ordered the sea not to go beyond the borders he had set. I was there when he laid the earth's foundation. I was like a child by his side. I was delighted every day, enjoying his presence all the time, enjoying the whole world, and delighted with all its people. "Now, my children, listen to me, because those who follow my ways are happy. Listen to my teaching, and you will be wise; do not ignore it. Happy are those who listen to me, watching at my door every day, waiting at my open doorway. Those who find me find life, and the Lord will be pleased with them. Those who do not find me hurt themselves. Those who hate me love death."

Walking with my best friend

I was up early this morning. Talked to my best friend. He asked me to walk with him today. When I walk with him he always leads me gently like a good shepherd. Today he's going to make sure I have everything I need. I will eat the very best food and drink peaceful water. My soul has been troubled as of late; today he took that worry from me, my soul is whole again. As long as I follow him I will be walking on the right path because it's the only path he can lead me on, his name is righteousness. When I walk through scary places ; the ones that are so dark that I could actually die places, I will not be afraid of the evil things that could happen to me because my best friend will walk with me . He will have his rod and his staff because sometimes I get off the path so I will need to be reminded and my enemies are so lively he will need to fight them for me. This is comforting to me. Today he will make me look greatly loved, greatly blessed, and greatly cared for, right where my enemies can see me. He will bless me so much that I will not be able to hold it all. He will always be good to me, always be merciful to me as long as I live and one day I will go to where he lives and live there forever.

Personal translation of Psalm 23