All consuming vision...

That treasured thing I gave up back in February, well I took it back for awhile. That treasured thing that I wanted so bad that I gave up to give all my time to this new assignment Jesus gave me to complete. That treasure started interfering again because I kept thinking about it. I kept thinking about him. Men can throw us women off completely at times. I gave the whole relationship to Jesus and I tried real hard to forget about him and go on. Everyday I kept thinking and I kept asking Jesus to help me keep my mind on other things. Jesus helped me by reminding me of the street children and orphans I had vision for in the past. He reminded me that I didn't think about them anymore. He asked me why I didn't believe anymore for the vision that he gave me. The vision where I take care of street children and adopt children from orphanages. The vision where I go and take or send supplies and money and things that the children need to the safe houses in India or the orphanages in Russia. The vision that before took up all my thoughts and energy, that vision. The vision that I put on hold and forgot about when I met that man and started dreaming about him instead. I believe he is a good man but he is not what I need right now. Friendship is what I want but somehow our hearts got twined around each other real tight and I don't exactly know what else to do but let this whole relationship go and devote myself to what Jesus has called me to do at this time. I laid my Issac on the alter so to speak. I almost know how Abraham felt. To give Yahweh the only son ,the child he loved and counted dear. To lay Issac his only child on the alter and offer him to Yahweh. Abraham did it he laid him down and gave him up and right at the final moment Yahweh stopped him and let him keep Issac. This man I love he is the only man I have ever loved. I do not want to love any other man. I have not let myself love any other man. I have laid my only love on the alter. The only man I ever felt like I would marry without a second thought, that man. I gave him up to Yahweh with this prayer, "Yahweh I give you this man. I want to do the thing you have called me to do. Because of this assignment I have accepted from you if I don't get to love him and marry him please send him a good wife that loves Jesus that will love him and his children also. Take good care of him, give him grace because I love his soul and his children and I want them all to be saved and live with you one day." The hardest prayer I have ever prayed! The ultimate prayer of letting go. The prayer where I asked Yahweh to give my treasure to another if that's what it takes to fulfill the vision Jehovah breathed into my life. There is pain my soul, I am missing him. I am hoping beyond all hope that there is a ram in the thicket and that I will get my beloved back. I am hoping like Abraham that Jehovah-jireh will provide a lamb. I have peace even with this pain. I have peace and freedom to dream and believe the vision. When that first child comes home from the orphanage, when another safe house is opened, when those supplies are safely inside the walls of the places where they need to be I will have more joy then I will know what to do with. I will celebrate , write about it, and tell everyone that Jesus is faithful and that the things He asks us to do are the things that lead to true happiness!

Jesus why?

Why do I keep searching?
when you are here with me
some days I search
it's a habit I think
because if I remember
how good you are to me
searching is stupid
what exactly am I looking for?
Jesus why do you keep waiting for me?
when I run off searching
you see me being habitually stupid
but you never call me that
you just wait
and call me precious one...
why?

Waiting...

i am waiting but i am not good at it
i will get better!
i've been reasoning things out
i can't see to the end of the road
Jesus can
i can't even see the next step at times
Jesus always can
sometimes i'm too scared to look down the road
Jesus is never afraid!
so what is my problem with waiting
as if what i want is going to be good for me
if I could see like Jesus sees
i would wait.....

...my mess fixer....

Im so tired of fighting these demons
trying to get it perfect....
trying to fix it
myself
I'm so tired...
tired...
tired...
this past week I did something
I gave this mess up
this mess
big mess
that I make of things
I gave it up to the mess fixer
he promised to fix it for me
he promised
he took it
he's fixing it!

Jesus help me wait....

I am here
waiting anxiously for something I think I want
something I think I need
and Jesus is telling me not to be anxious for anything
he's telling me to wait
wait on him
to work things out
to put things together
to work all things for my good
because I have been called
to do the things he has planned for me

Jesus help me to wait
take this anxiousness away
give me peace about everything

Jesus, please can I have it?
if it's best for me please?
okay I will wait.....:)

Sin and my best friend...

sometimes i wonder why you put up with me

I have this besetting sin

that keeps besetting me

and you keep loving me

and encouraging me

to do better next time

I cant figure out for the life of me

why you don't kick me to the curb

and give up on me

like everybody else

this thing shames me

makes me afraid to talk to you again

makes me want to die

because I enjoy it too much

so why do you keep on loving me?

why are you still my best friend?

i wish you would just hate me

i wish you would just leave me

to die

so I could pay for this sin

i know you can't

because you tell me all the time

you absolutely love me

I will never figure it out

this love you have for me

I will never figure out

why

you still want to be

my best friend

I gave my most treasured thing to Jesus finally!

Today is my birthday. This is the birthday I have waited a very long time for. When I was a little girl I looked forward to this birthday. Way back then I purposed in my heart that this would be the birthday that began the rest of my life. This would be the birthday where something great happened and I would finally be where I was supposed to be. I think my best friend had something to do with that purpose in my heart so long ago. Here I am. I have finally figured things out. I am where I'm supposed to be! This past week has been one of turmoil. I had to make some big decisions. I cried and discussed and pleaded and held on and Jesus kept holding out his hand so I could give him my most treasured thing. I held on as long as I could but I eventually surrendered it. I had always wondered if it came down to it would I choose Jesus first over everything I really, really wanted. Now I know that the answer is yes! I'm happy today because the pressure of holding on is gone and I am in for a nice adventure. Here I am with my best friend doing things in his time and I can say that I am truly at peace! I never dreamed that I could be so at peace about the whole thing. Now I know the meaning of: "Pursue first, the kingdom of heaven and the right things of Jesus and all these other things will be added to you." Right now I have decided to hang out with my best friend and help him first. The other thing I want to do is a good thing but it will have to wait. It's Jesus and me! I'm happy!

Psalm 11

1The LORD is my fortress!

Don't say to me,

"Escape like a bird

to the mountains!"

2You tell me, "Watch out!

Those evil people

have put

their arrows on their bows,

and they are standing

in the shadows,

aiming at good people.

3What can an honest person do

when everything crumbles?"

4The LORD is sitting

in his sacred temple

on his throne in heaven.

He knows everything we do

because he sees us all.

5The LORD tests honest people,

but despises those

who are cruel

and love violence.

6He will send fiery coals and flaming sulfur

down on the wicked,

and they will drink nothing

but a scorching wind.

7The LORD always does right

and wants justice done.

Everyone who does right

will see his face.

Contemporary English Version (CEV)

Copyright © 1995 by American Bible Society

To my best friend Jesus

Jesus I want to thank you for helping me today and always. Thank you for holding me together. Thank you for giving me hope against all hopelessness. I am so happy so very happy. You have blessed me beyond measure and I see another blessing coming a very big one and my heart is overwhelmed with your goodness. This year you saved my life when I was actually dying. You taught me to open my hands and give you things that were harmful to me. You replaced my broken treasures with rare jewels, people who love you with all their heart and soul. People who give me so much joy that I can't imagine life without them. Thank you! My heart sings every morning. You have given me a job that I absolutely love. I am so happy about my job, thank you! When I think about how you forgive me for all the stupid things I do; and never condemn me for any of them, I am in awe of you. You absolutely love me and I know it all the time, thank you! How you could leave that wonderful place called heaven and come down here and dwell among us in this darkness to save our dusty bodies I will never be able to understand. You are my hope. Thank you for holding me together. You give me joy. You love me no matter what. You gave up your life so that you could save mine. I am in awe of you. Thank you my precious Jesus, thank you!

This was written by King David. Another best friend of Jesus.

Psalm 19

God's Works and Word
For the director of music. A psalm of David

1 The heavens declare the glory of God, and the skies announce what his hands have made.
2 Day after day they tell the story; night after night they tell it again.

3 They have no speech or words; they have no voice to be heard.

4 But their message goes out through all the world; their words go everywhere on earth. The sky is like a home for the sun. 

5 The sun comes out like a bridegroom from his bedroom. It rejoices like an athlete eager to run a race.

6 The sun rises at one end of the sky and follows its path to the other end. Nothing hides from its heat.

7 The teachings of the Lord are perfect; they give new strength. The rules of the Lord can be trusted; they make plain people wise.

8 The orders of the Lord are right; they make people happy. The commands of the Lord are pure; they light up the way.

9 Respect for the Lord is good; it will last forever. The judgments of the Lord are true; they are completely right.

10 They are worth more than gold, even the purest gold. They are sweeter than honey, even the finest honey

11 By them your servant is warned. Keeping them brings great reward.

12 People cannot see their own mistakes. Forgive me for my secret sins.

13 Keep me from the sins of pride; don't let them rule me. Then I can be pure and innocent of the greatest of sins.

14 I hope my words and thoughts please you. Lord, you are my Rock, the one who saves me.