..more than all I ask or imagine!

Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work in us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever. Ephesians 3:20 "More than all I ask or imagine", I like that part. I like that part because I have a great imagination. I can imagine all kinds of good things. Today I went for a walk with the children and I thanked Jesus all the way there and back. I thanked him and Heavenly Father for being so gracious to me and listening to me and answering me and for giving me such a wonderful life. When I got home and put those peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and chips on the table for those hungry children, I sat down. I sat down and I imagined a room full of gentlemen sitting around a large conference table haggling over how much they were going to pay me for my work. And I imagined Jesus and Father encouraging them, whispering, "pay her a good wage," "offer her a good contract." You see it is grand to imagine and then I read in Ephesians that Jesus can do more then I can ask or imagine. Well in that case imagine what I just imagined and then imagine even better then that till you can't imagine anymore, and that won't even be the beginning of what Father and Jesus can do. Whew!!! We are blessed beyond measure to have such goodness on our side! I have asked I have imagined and now I am waiting. I am going to get a happy surprise! Watch and see!

Saying good things to Jesus...

Today when I'm walking with the children I am going to say good things to Heavenly Father and Jesus. I am going to thank them for helping me all the time in every way. I have been having doubts and thinking about the most stupid scenarios of foolishness one could ever imagine. I woke up this morning feeling defeated already because I want perfection in my life. I don't want to keep doing stupid things. I beat myself up so bad that I can barely go on. Sometimes I think I am so bad that I don't even want to go on. Today once again I pleaded for deliverance. I pleaded for Jesus to set me free from this prison of sin and doubt. I pleaded for the chains to be broken. I pleaded like Paul and Silas did while they were praising the Lord in prison. It is time for me to stop doubting! It is time for me to praise! Time for me to say good things to Heavenly Father and Jesus! Time for me to sing and praise and hope and believe that this prison is going to be a thing of the past! The doors are going to open! These chains that are holding me are going to break off! The Lord is going to lead me out of this mess. Watch and see!

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"Around midnight Paul and Silas were praying and singing hymns to God, and the other prisoners were listening. Suddenly, there was a massive earthquake, and the prison was shaken to its foundations. All the doors immediately flew open, and the chains of every prisoner fell off!" Acts 16:25,26 (New Living Translation)

Confessions of a worrying woman....

Today I wasted a lot of time worrying. Worrying and beating myself up about decisions I have made in the past. Worrying and fretting and anxiously trying to reason out situations in my mind as if I can fix any of them. I worked myself into an emotional state complete with tears and extreme grief of spirit. I told myself that I had a right to grieve over my situation. Poor Jesus he had to witness me in that state of complete distrust and forgetfulness. I acted as though Heavenly Father had left and Jesus was no longer listening. I feel foolish writing this. I will tell you something about Jesus. He does not condemn me when I act like this , he lovingly waits for me to calm down so that I can hear what he has to say to my heart. That is what happened today. I did not get an answer till close to this afternoon because I was worrying out loud and I couldn't hear him. The answer came so softly. On top of that I received an email from a true friend who told me to stop thinking useless thoughts and go on in the grace of Jesus. I can't believe I am sharing this with the world but here it is. Tonight I received a devotional from Internet cafe and what do you think the scripture was?

Philippians 4:6-9

-7Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.
8-9Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies.
The Message (MSG)
Copyright © 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 2000, 2001, 2002 by Eugene H. Peterson

Jesus comforted me on every side. He said encouraging things to my heart. He sent me messages of peace through my precious friend and through the Internet cafe. He did not forget me. He patiently listened even when I was tempted to believe he was not listening. He listened and he answered me despite my doubting. In all my anxiousness Jesus never condemns me. We are best friends forever I'm sure you can see why! My prayer: Jesus please help me think about good things, wonderful things, things that make me happy. Help me to think only good when I think of people. Jesus take this silly worry and give me peace of mind. Help me to believe that I can trust you with my life and everything in it, even the messes. Thank you Jesus. **C

My Passion

I am believing Jesus for the near impossible in the eyes of some. Because I believe he is Jehovah-jireh I don't think anything is too hard for him. He is my provider. So much for that doubting stuff. I am going to post some adoption tickers for the 4 children that I want to adopt. Four you say?, yes 4! I am believing Jesus for 4 children because I can! I am the nanny to 4 children and I enjoy every minute of it, why not be the mother to 4 more? I have 3 biological children all grown up and one son adopted from Romania, he's grown up also. I am starting over because I am young, full of energy, and because Jesus told me I can. In his time I am going to get Jamie Elizabeth from an orphanage in Siberia and two 5 year old girls Hannah and Sarah from the St Petersburg area and one Indian Prince named Joshua Naresh. He is 5 years old also. I have made tickers to celebrate their homecoming and show that I believe!







These are the things Jesus and I need to do in the next few months. #1 secure a good contract. #2 make arrangements for a homestudy and sign contracts with adoption agencies and pay the money. #3 go look at that fine house that is for sale behind this one and make an offer. #4 fill out the immigration paper work. #5 see the tax man. #6 visit the docter. #6 buy house, furnish it finish homestudy. #7 put dossier together get apostilles and other legal stamps and signatures. #8 pay more money. #9 pay more money. #10 reserve airline tickets, plan for trip, and pay more money, bring children home. YaY!!!

All consuming vision...

That treasured thing I gave up back in February, well I took it back for awhile. That treasured thing that I wanted so bad that I gave up to give all my time to this new assignment Jesus gave me to complete. That treasure started interfering again because I kept thinking about it. I kept thinking about him. Men can throw us women off completely at times. I gave the whole relationship to Jesus and I tried real hard to forget about him and go on. Everyday I kept thinking and I kept asking Jesus to help me keep my mind on other things. Jesus helped me by reminding me of the street children and orphans I had vision for in the past. He reminded me that I didn't think about them anymore. He asked me why I didn't believe anymore for the vision that he gave me. The vision where I take care of street children and adopt children from orphanages. The vision where I go and take or send supplies and money and things that the children need to the safe houses in India or the orphanages in Russia. The vision that before took up all my thoughts and energy, that vision. The vision that I put on hold and forgot about when I met that man and started dreaming about him instead. I believe he is a good man but he is not what I need right now. Friendship is what I want but somehow our hearts got twined around each other real tight and I don't exactly know what else to do but let this whole relationship go and devote myself to what Jesus has called me to do at this time. I laid my Issac on the alter so to speak. I almost know how Abraham felt. To give Yahweh the only son ,the child he loved and counted dear. To lay Issac his only child on the alter and offer him to Yahweh. Abraham did it he laid him down and gave him up and right at the final moment Yahweh stopped him and let him keep Issac. This man I love he is the only man I have ever loved. I do not want to love any other man. I have not let myself love any other man. I have laid my only love on the alter. The only man I ever felt like I would marry without a second thought, that man. I gave him up to Yahweh with this prayer, "Yahweh I give you this man. I want to do the thing you have called me to do. Because of this assignment I have accepted from you if I don't get to love him and marry him please send him a good wife that loves Jesus that will love him and his children also. Take good care of him, give him grace because I love his soul and his children and I want them all to be saved and live with you one day." The hardest prayer I have ever prayed! The ultimate prayer of letting go. The prayer where I asked Yahweh to give my treasure to another if that's what it takes to fulfill the vision Jehovah breathed into my life. There is pain my soul, I am missing him. I am hoping beyond all hope that there is a ram in the thicket and that I will get my beloved back. I am hoping like Abraham that Jehovah-jireh will provide a lamb. I have peace even with this pain. I have peace and freedom to dream and believe the vision. When that first child comes home from the orphanage, when another safe house is opened, when those supplies are safely inside the walls of the places where they need to be I will have more joy then I will know what to do with. I will celebrate , write about it, and tell everyone that Jesus is faithful and that the things He asks us to do are the things that lead to true happiness!

Jesus why?

Why do I keep searching?
when you are here with me
some days I search
it's a habit I think
because if I remember
how good you are to me
searching is stupid
what exactly am I looking for?
Jesus why do you keep waiting for me?
when I run off searching
you see me being habitually stupid
but you never call me that
you just wait
and call me precious one...
why?

Waiting...

i am waiting but i am not good at it
i will get better!
i've been reasoning things out
i can't see to the end of the road
Jesus can
i can't even see the next step at times
Jesus always can
sometimes i'm too scared to look down the road
Jesus is never afraid!
so what is my problem with waiting
as if what i want is going to be good for me
if I could see like Jesus sees
i would wait.....

...my mess fixer....

Im so tired of fighting these demons
trying to get it perfect....
trying to fix it
myself
I'm so tired...
tired...
tired...
this past week I did something
I gave this mess up
this mess
big mess
that I make of things
I gave it up to the mess fixer
he promised to fix it for me
he promised
he took it
he's fixing it!

Jesus help me wait....

I am here
waiting anxiously for something I think I want
something I think I need
and Jesus is telling me not to be anxious for anything
he's telling me to wait
wait on him
to work things out
to put things together
to work all things for my good
because I have been called
to do the things he has planned for me

Jesus help me to wait
take this anxiousness away
give me peace about everything

Jesus, please can I have it?
if it's best for me please?
okay I will wait.....:)

Sin and my best friend...

sometimes i wonder why you put up with me

I have this besetting sin

that keeps besetting me

and you keep loving me

and encouraging me

to do better next time

I cant figure out for the life of me

why you don't kick me to the curb

and give up on me

like everybody else

this thing shames me

makes me afraid to talk to you again

makes me want to die

because I enjoy it too much

so why do you keep on loving me?

why are you still my best friend?

i wish you would just hate me

i wish you would just leave me

to die

so I could pay for this sin

i know you can't

because you tell me all the time

you absolutely love me

I will never figure it out

this love you have for me

I will never figure out

why

you still want to be

my best friend